No More Mr. Nice Guy

My husband has always been a nice guy. What every girl wants right? 

Yah, he had that confident strong side that attracted me to him before we were married but it didn't take long before I life took a lot of that out of him.  I think he got to a point where he thought I would never see how disrespectful I was.  As much as he felt disrespected I felt unloved... I knew I was loved,  he showed me in many ways, but our communication abilities broke down amidst all our stress and we made each other feel disrespected and unloved.  He felt he deserved respect no matter what and I felt I deserved love no matter what. We were both right. If you have ever read the book "Love and Respect" you will recognize this as the "crazy cycle"... He feels disrespected so he acts unloving, she feels unloved so she acts disrespectful, and on and on it goes... until someone stops the madness.

                                                  


 I also realized that no matter how  he acted I was supposed to show respect to him, the rest would follow. I don't know how many times I have heard women say (myself included).."I just want my husband to lead", I realized one day that a man can't lead unless the woman first submits.

Honestly, I think its a common process in our culture today... a girl finally gets that Knight in shining armour she dreamed of  and then she wants him to leave his sword and armour with his momma. You don't need all that man stuff anyways, you can just be nice...Pretty soon the girl doesn't even  recognize the man she herself practically emasculated.

                                                               

                                                                 

I mean really, when you need a hero do you want the nice guy or the GOOD guy.
                                             

For me, I know what I want. I want the good guy, the one who will fight for our relationship and makes sure there is nothing between us. The one that commands respect by the love he shows. The guy who refuses to retreat into his man cave and instead faces our problems. The man who values the resolution over temporary peace.  The kind that won't fail to rebuke if necessary. I want that guy.

       I want MY  KNICE in SHINING ARMOUR.    













He isn't perfect and neither am I but our crazy cycles don't last as long as they used to and we get over things faster.



    So goodbye Mr. Nice Guy



                        Hello Good GUY.         









For more information on getting rid of that nice guy check out "No More Christian Nice Guy".

Our Story - From My Perspective (Part 1)

So I'm plodding along through post-modern life, when suddenly my wife blows up everything with a simple suggestion:

SPANK ME!  Please. ( her 3 pages condensed down to man-speak!)

     It seems that many of the stories we've read in the dd community share that common thread; that the wife has made the initial suggestion (and that the man became adept for quicker than she thought!  But we'll get to that in Part 2! ;-)


     After being married somewhere in the neighborhood of 7 years, having lots of ups and downs, we were beginning to experience some real crisis moments.  With frequency.  And intensity.  Mind you, we had plenty of wonderful times, with shared experiences we'll cherish forever.  But it felt like the distance between the rock and the hard place continued to shrink, leaving us both with no room to find solutions.

     I remember, after a particularly difficult evening shouting match, I went to bed utterly hopeless.  I suspect Lucy did as well.  Although I wouldn't know because we were precisely one million miles apart as we laid in bed.  As I laid there with my eyes closed, the walls of darkness were literally closing me in, and I couldn't shake the thought that nothing would ever get better, so I needed to get used to it.

     And then the next day, after nearly our biggest fight ever (there WAS one bigger, but we'll save that one for another time), she was particularly sweet, responsive, and attentive that evening.  Then when we headed to bed, only a half-million miles apart, she apologized.  For being disrespectful.  Not just for the previous evening, but ALL THE WAY BACK TO THE BEGINNING.  I cried. I laid there in the dark, sobbing tears of relief and confusion.  Did she mean it? Was this going to change everything?  Could I finally let down my guard a little?  DARE I HOPE?  Oh....CRAP....this means I have to face my own shortcomings if this is going to lead to resolution.

     Before you think "he thought it was all HER fault, and he was glad she finally realized it..." I'll just dispel that myth.  The previous evening was BY NO MEANS entirely her fault.  I was present in the room.  Well, sort of.  Perhaps that porch light was on...

     You see, again echoing so many others' stories on TTWD Boulevard, I had grown passive (/aggressive), non-present, and in near permanent "retreat mode."  Not surrender, but retreat.  That's worse than surrender.  Because it's quiet, and it lives on, to fight another day.  Seven or so years of increasing wrong-headedness was pushing me FAR away from how masculinity was designed.  Of course, I'm FULL of excuses of how this was all her fault.  However, that only serves to prove the very point (not taking responsibility).

     So that second evening she apologized, and the wheels started spinning.  Then the next day she presents with "the suggestion."  Actually, it was more of a request.  Not a demand, lol!  But she meant it.  So by the third day, I'm walking around work barely able to inhibit my subconscious from shouting "MY WIFE ASKED ME TO SPANK HER!!!!   WHAT THE *$@( DO I DO?????"  I had to function, walk, talk, focus, do math, calculate, pay attention to details, measure, perform... AND NOT SAY A WORD while I pondered... she wants me to spank her.  You know I WANT to Lord!  But what'll happen?  Will it actually  help?  What if someone finds out? Is she going to want this all the time? (little did I know! LOL!)

     I remember thinking (much to Lucy's dismay) I'm totally capable of doing this, I'm just not sure it's the right/best thing.  But I can sure do it.... and sleep just fine that night!

     Probably the funniest thing to me was asking her how in the world she came up with this idea... and hearing her reply {something to the effect of} "I saw it on google'..."  I nearly fell off the chair laughing, my mind filled with all the wild & wacky search results she must have gotten!

     Needless to say, we had our first session... and the rest is history!

Until Part 2....!

One big joke

Ok, so I like to laugh, but before you think this is one big joke to us let me tell you IT IS NOT.  While I have the ability to laugh at myself (and him) we take this very seriously. We are in such a different place than we were 3 years ago, but still have a looong way to go.  Honestly, I think it's more about the journey than arriving. I am glad I have a husband who full well knows that I will likely always struggle with certain things  FOREVER but doesn't mind the work of helping me keep them at bay anyways.  I mean we are who we are right? BUT that doesn't mean we just give into our tendencies and let them take over. I could just say I am easily stressed out but really I need to learn to handle the stress I feel and evaluate things differently. Somehow being over my husbands knee affords me that luxury of being able to see things differently. LOL

In the beginning of all this, I used to get spanked nearly everyday! With a baby who had sleeping issues, I was very sleep deprived with a very short circuit. I had a hard time controlling myself but through dd my husband helped me to see I could control more than I thought I could, even in a difficult time in my life.  It truly kept me from going overboard and not becoming someone that scared even me.

We've had ups and downs with this TTWD but even my best friend said that she has never seen anyone more consistent than my husband. (LUCKY ME) Or maybe I am just really consistent in my misbehavior. Hmmm ...Whatever, go away nasty thought...

Well, I am not sure when it happened but I don't get in trouble everyday anymore! Big props to me right?!LOL  I would say it's once a week to every two weeks, oh yay I'm practically angelic now. LOL

Happiness is... Ricky knowing he can do something to stop the madness, and I can relax that I'm not alone and he won't let me spin out of control. The knowledge of that alone can calm a girl down. I think it goes back to a fear of being out of control like mother was, no one could stop her.  I want to let people speak into my life, and who is better to do that than the closest person to me in the whole world who loves me more than anyone.

Sounds pretty great right? Well before it sounds too lofty you should know that we had the biggest argument last weekend... NOBODY WON. We both lost and nearly quit dd. There was so much emotion wrapped up in it I barely remember how it started.  We were both back to our old ways.  I screamed and lost my loving mind and he shut down and shut me out. Neither one of us liked it.  Somewhere in there he tried spanking me but I wouldnt' accept it and we were at another impasse.

Life morphs and does twisty turns and before we even know it, we've changed.  Somehow we managed to go to the Lake the next day and just have fun together, we talked things out like civilized people, and noted that dd took a few turns of its own and we needed to re-evaluate how we were using this tool. So we are back on track and I was back in the closet last night. :-(  It could have been worse, but he made his point that respect is required. Perhaps my son will get a proper example of what respect looks like after all.

I don't doubt my dh will do everything he can to assure it.

Just so ya know he doesn't just work on me.  I read him Stormy's post on distancing and he applied it to himself and actually asked me to write him a list of 5 ways he does that.  "YES, SIR.. I will obey that immediately SIR."

 I was so encouraged that he could see inside himself too and wants to improve in his communication to me too. I won't be taking him to the closet because that's not exactly how it works around here, but hey I will take what I can get. :-)

So for today, Peace reigns.

Did I tell you...

Did I tell you I nearly didn't get this blog off the ground? Things were going along smoothly and I was all excited and then we started having computer issues and I was getting more and more frustrated so I was also getting more and more snippy with my sweetie pie dh who had set this all up for me. lol ( Now you know why this blog is blue and gray and not PINK.)

Then my mean ole bear threatens me that if I don't knock it off my first post will be " Sorry, see you next week". URK The GALL!  So instead of  losing my connection with the outside world I decided to backtrack real quick and give poor Lucy a chance. Jeez sometimes you HOHes get so serious. Chilax!

Hey Ricky: Just kiddin babe, you were most gracious in your leniency. Can you see me curtsey in my most humble way?

There's nothing like accountability...

 

No Really, (eye roll) there's nothing like the kind of accountability you get when you  stupidly willingly sign up with a benevolent dictator, hand him a paddle, and ask him to help you with your weaknesses for the better of the marriage.  For better or for worse. Crap. Ya know those high ideals seem to get higher the farther in we get into ttwd.

I have had many different kinds of things he we focused on  since we began and I am grateful that the more accountability he gives me the higher standard he sets for himself.  I guess if I believe that he is head of home and God holds him accountable for what our family does it seems fair that he should have some say in it. That was Adam's problem, he didn't say anything. So as one of my favorite preachers on the topic said " Adam became the woman and Eve became the man and all hell broke loose".  Eve refused Adam's headship and Adam did what Eve should have done towards him, YIELD. I really believe that there is blessing in God's chain of command and this is one reason why I go kicking and screaming willingly to the closet.

I had a rude awakening today when I watched my 4 year old rebel for no good reason. I know I do that sometimes just because of pride and it hurts so much to lose control. I know I should give in, but alas I don't always do it without outside motivation. Then my favorite preacher on this topic had to scare the wits out of me when he reminded me that God NEVER responds to rebellion, just as I would never give into my child throwing a tantrum. (Crapx2) I know that I am much more pleased with my child when he follows the chain of command and I want to bless him, I am sure I can expect the same from God. Don't get me wrong I don't see myself as a child nor does my husband but if we want our home to have order and peace then there has to be some kind of order. We are equal in everyway but our functions that make our home run well are quite different. There can only be one head.

Also, just a little disclaimer here... while many reasons we do ttwd are rooted in our Christian belief system in no way do I think this is for everyone, nor do I think that the Bible teaches that the chain of command needs to be lived out this way. This is something we chose because we felt it would better our marriage and help us to live out our roles more effectively. It's just a tool and its a bummer I can't meet the ideals and face my own weaknesses without it, so I guess its good I have a man who is happy to help with that. I GUESS! LOL

So FOCUS SCHMOCUS... here are are a few things my dh has asked told me to focus on.

1. 1. Asking instead of telling ( "Who me? Never" !)
2. 2. Huffing and Stomping... OOOH "NO" Huffing and Stomping LOL( "Who me? Never" !)
3. 3. Obeying immediately ( "Who me? Never" !) hahah
4. 4.  And no pouting ( "Who me? Never" !)

Ok I swear these rules are for me and not my 4 year old. How embarrasing. :-)

A few of the oldies but goodies.

• NO Yelling
• No swearing while we are arguing having a discussion... this is a biggie. Not like I cuss him out or anything. ( "Who me? Never, Ever, Ever." !)
• Oh yah and remember my thyroid medicine. Since that doesn't affect my mood or anything.

So there ya go, a rambling post on accountability, preachers, and the rules I plan to break will never break.

WhoMelucygirl

So Much To Remember!

Amidst all the light-heartedness (and sometimes frustration) of finally setting up our blog, there's always "the things I ask her to remember..."

"Did you remember to take your medicine?"

      "umm.... yeah....?"

"On time?"

      "well... what were you saying dear?"

Uh-huh, I thought so!
 ~~~~~~~
"Dear, <smack> remember, <smack> I've asked you to RESPOND <smack>, not REACT <smack>!
 ~~~~~~~
And, in real time, as I write this post... "Dear, REMEMBER, stop looking over my shoulder as I type!!!  Or there will be smacking!  You can look after I post, because I'm not asking for your editorial skills tonight."

~~~~~~~

Blogging will never be finished.  Working will never be finished. And our Remembering should never be finished.

We're not here for politicking, or history lessons, and certainly not for "hate-mongering."  But I'll tell you, I'll NEVER forget the sight Manhattan through my airplane window in late October 2001.  And I'll NEVER forget the smell as we walked and prayed around the areas of rubble, workers hustling with exhausted resolve.  And I'll never forget walking around, talking to complete strangers (New Yorkers no less!  YANKEES!) who offered such openness, sincerity, connecting through common pain.

I ask you, BEG you, REMEMBER!

Not out of bitterness and spite, clinging to hate with un-forgiveness for generations... (I'll be clinging to my God, Guns, and Bibles, so I've no room in my hands for unthoughtful hate).  I don't ask you to remember so we can all wallow in some sense of common feverishness.

Remember!  For our own common good!
For those we lost!
For those who climbed UP!
For how much is yet to be done!
and For what we Continue to Lose!
and For those who come behind us.

May they Remember OUR memories.  May they know Why.  May they know Who.  May they find Strength.  May they look UP!

REMEMBER, AMERICA!!  DON'T FORGET!!

America, LOOK UP!!

Why we do TTWD

My husband and I have always believed in Christian values and that the man was the head of the home.  I for some reason thought I was following that belief and that I was submitting to my husband. I understood the ideaology but not what it looked like. He wanted to lead but in the wake of my defiance didn't know how. Oh, I began our marriage with a submissive attitude and he with that of a leader but it didn't take long before I stopped submitting and he stopped leading.

Around year 7, the year known as a rough year in marriage, we were arguing... A LOT. I was tired of fighting. We went to bed soooo mad at each other. I got up and in my hopeless anger I typed in my computer "my husband..." and before I could even decide what to put in for the last part of that search those little options came up and one of them was "my husband spanked me last night".  Intrigued, I read on and  found a group of people who followed a lifestyle I had never heard of, although deep down it had crossed my mind and I just thought I was nuts. ( I probably was. LoL)  As I read, there in front of me was the evidence that  there were people who didn't even subscribe to my Christian belief system  who were working harder to submit to their husbands than I was. It was a sobering thought. I began to realize that I was so far gone in how I talked to and treated my husband that I didn't even realize that it was disrespectful. And so it began...

It took me a few days but I wrote him a letter about this new tool I had discovered and how I thought it could help us. I am happy to say that he turned me down at first and said that he could never do that to me. I am also sad to say that he got over it and has no problem now turning me over his knee if need be. lol  He hit the point of no return ( no pun intended)  a long time ago because he sees how much momentary pain for me benefits us long term. I guess I have to admit that without it I wouldn't listen as well or be as willing to so look deeply into my behavior. I see the benefit, but don't tell him that.

Is he a perfect leader? Umm No.
Am I a perfect angelic submissive wife? Take a good guess.
 Do we think either of those are  ever going to happen ?  Ummm No. 
Do we have a better balance in our marriage. Yes.
 Do we both think harder about how important our roles are in our marriage? Yes
 Do we keep the little foxes at bay that  would constantly try to destroy us. YES

And there is peace knowing that we aren't giving up and that we will hold each other to very high standards and not give up.

And that's why we do TTWD.

In honor of Lucy

                            In honor of my new name Lucy I decided to watch an episode of "I love Lucy" this morning while munchkin was away at school. Not the best way to spend my free time,but hey it was refreshing to laugh at something on TV that wasn't dirty, and besides I don't have any rules about not watching TV in the middle of the day... yet. LOL

Lucy, as usual has her mind set on something and like a bulldog holds onto it tight. I prefer to call it tenacity in my life.  :-) In this episode Lucy was asked to write about what it's like to be married to Ricky. She calls him her Latin lover in one version and writes a less flattering version in another. She uses it to blackmail him to let her act with him on a show.  Ricky tries to outsmart her but in the end Lucy wins...waaahahaha.  Luckily her "Latin Lover" decided to laugh with her when she made a bit of a fool of him.  I am grateful that no matter how serious it gets we can still laugh together.  Life can be so serious at times that the only thing you can do is laugh at at the absurdity of it all.  To be honest, sometimes I find it absurd that my husband spanks me. He would say that he finds my behavior absurd at times.  So, " in the end ",  we usually end up laughing at it all, although its not usually so funny at first or when I'm over his knee.  I'm so glad my "Latin Lover" who isn't Latin at all has a sense of humor. :-)

Most of the time...

About Us

I'm not Lucy and he's not Ricky but that's who we will go by in this blog. 

We are a couple who have been in a domestic discipline relationship for several  years now.  I am funloving, do goofy things at times without thinking, and take things to heart easily like Lucy. He's definatley got the head of house vibe that Ricky exuberates so easily but balances it with compassion and love for me.  Another reason we chose these characters for ourselves was because I have come to recognize that he can see when I am being unreasonable at times when I really can't, and now with the tools of dd he can call me on it and I am required to listen, one way or another.  Usually, because I am also stubborn, it's "another".   So here we are into year 3 of dd still working on keeping the "little foxes that spoil the vineyards" away.