Meltdown

Wonder where I have been. Here is a good picture...

                                          you can guess what's happening on the other end.

Sorry I have been so slow to get a new post up, it surely didn't mean that we have it all together and that I have matured to the point where I didn't need very many sessions in the closet. Not exactly.

In fact, I have had 3 this week...I think. Its been a rough week and its hard to keep track lol.

 Would you believe that right as I sat here writing those first two sentences I got taken to the closet? Well believe it, because I am now sitting on a red hot bum as I type this. That story later, first things first.

Ok so I hope you all don't think I am a TOTAL basketcase after you hear this story cause truly I am only part of one. LOL  I had a good go of it for a while but alas the side of me that is more like the  emotional TV character Lucy took over -- so I got my backside turned over.  Stupid ole Lucy got me in trouble. Lucy, Lucy, Lucy....

Round 1

Sooo...where to begin? Oh yah, found out about changes in dh job and handled it very well for a day or two so I could be strong for him when he needed me to be but apparently I stuffed it because the anxiety was building on the inside.  A few more stressful situations and my old problem of anxiety really started spiraling. I know that my hormones,  girl stuff, and my thyroid had something to do with it (and we are working on those) but I really began to spiral. I feel fine now but last week I was just trying to function.

The anxiety I was feeling was coming out by sometimes yelling or being snippy, and generally just tired of everything. We had home group with our church to go to on Wednesday night but I knew since it was the first night that dh would really want to go so I was trying to keep it together.  Every noise was driving me crazy and I was on total sensory overload. I made it through though and back home but not without earning some closet time. I was already in trouble for  yelling, swearing, and mumbling to myself instead of communicating. He was spanking away for that when he said "AND about the Bible study" and I was like WHAT? What did I do? Turns out as they were talking about schedules and all the things coming up I was sighing and moaning LOUDLY. Honestly, I didn't even know that I was. I thought I was just feeling stress inside about all the things to do. I was totally unaware of my outward antics. Though I have always been an open book and can't hide anything from my face. So he paddled me good for disrupting and probably discouraging the leader. I felt mortified that I had done that. I did call and talk to the wife and apologized ( of my own volition) and she said she didn't even notice and that her husband probably didn't either. URK ALL THAT FOR NOTHING.  Course I know he was right and I will be more careful in the future but it was all soooo embarrassing.  Our church has a motto : " you mess up you clean up"  then we forgiv eand move on and our church has had a great deal of peace. 

Well I may have acted a little nuts this week or so but my friend told me that "crazy people don't apologize" they just keep going. Phew, that was encouraging to know that I hadn't completely flipped my lid.


Round 2 
So I was coming down from my anxiety snippy week of hell for everyone around me and here comes crazy Lucy again.  Would ya just give this red head a cup of calming tea and call it a night!?

 We had just gotten home from a birthday party but blood sugar was crashing from hunger and I was trying to lots of things at once to get kiddo in bed.  I had started food for me and dh, started bath for kiddo, laundry into dryer, etc etc.  I just had to get something to eat. This is when dh walks in and asks me for advil...poor Ricky he didn't know what hit him...I told him I didn't know and wasn't looking for it. (He wasn't actually asking me to) but I got all crazy defensive and it turned into me being defensive about not losing it for him. BTW IT WAS IN THE FREAKIN MEDICINE CABINET....

I was already in trouble for stomping and mumbling ok and swearing like the not good church girl that I am and I was just adding to it. He asked me if I was just letting go becuase I was already in trouble.. I really wasn't but it was fairly unreasonable how I responded to such a small stress.

So he did let me have it and made it clear that I should be able to say to him "sorry honey but I really have to get something to eat right now and I can't look for that for you".  He is right. URK


Round 3

I made a choice I guess. We had decided that I needed to exercise regularly, not a ton becuase I was just getting back into it but twice a week in part to help my anxiety and because I have exercised most of my life that I needed to get back in the habit.  I just didn't go today. I just really didn't want to. I wanted to catch up on laundry and the house and clean up all that was stressing me out. I did a good job but I didn't do what we agreed on. I knew that I might be able to go at  night but it was hit and miss if we could make it in time and we didn't. We also had another discussion about that home group and I rolled my eyes a few times. To the closet I go...hence the one I got when I just started this post.  I need the accountability right now to do what I want to do for myself.  I think maybe some of my natural tendencies towards stress and anxiety were dealt with during my younger years with exercise... like 30 hours a week. I was a serious athlete. Now I am a serious mom and its all I can do to make it twice a week. Unfortunately,  Lucky for me I have a husband who will help me when I can't help myself.

For me stress and anxiety may be partly due to thyroid problem and other things like vitamin deficiencies that can affect it but part if of my reaction to stress is just my emotional make up and I am glad that I have someone to help me keep it at bay. I am fun loving, tenacious, driven, but sometimes my anxiety has gotten the best of me. My husband knows its not gong away but helps me to keep it at bay.

RIght now I'm skimming through a book "natural relief for Anxiety".. not my only approach but there are a few things that make a lot of sense. It talks about how when your body hits that point of anxiety the "flight or fight" mode kicks in. "Remaining inactive in the face of this state of activation usually intensifies your symptoms".  THIS I UNDERSTAND.   The book suggests exercise as soon as anxiety hits and this is also why I think this is why maintance has been a very stupid unhelpful approach such a great help. I hate to admit it but it calms me down and helps me get persective.

So I am in bed, typing a post, and feeling very very calm.
There are OTHER forms of exercise you know.. good ones. I think that should be my most frequent therapy. LOL.